1. SICK DAYS
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. You were hired intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
3. PERSONAL DAYS
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. Saturdays and Sundays.
4. VACATION DAYS
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are Jan1, July 4, and December 25.
5. BEREAVEMENT LEAVE
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives, or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.
6. YOUR OWN DEATH
This is inconvenient; however, will be accepted as a valid excuse. In this instance, we require at least two weeks' notice and it is still your duty to train your replacement.
7. RESTROOM USE
Entirely too much time is spent in this endeavor. In the future,
we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order.
Those whose last name starts with an "A" 8:00-8:20
Those whose last name starts with a "B" 8:21-8:40
Since this is taking up too much time to schedule, Mr. Smith
will finish preparing this roster while at home this evening and
post it on the bulletin board tomorrow morning.
If you are unable to tend to your business at the alloted time, it will be necessary for you to wait until the next business day. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a coworker. This requires advanced written approval of both supervisors of the employees involved. There is a 3 minute time limit in the stalls.
At the end of the 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open for the one who has been
8. LUNCH BREAK
Thinner people get the whole hour for lunch as they need to eat more to again look healthy. Middle sized people get a 1/2 hour for
lunch to get a balanced meal thereby maintaining the average figure.
Dieters (larger sized people) get 5 minutes for a slim fast drink or a bar.
9. DRESS CODE
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your wages. Be careful here, what you wear is what you get. If you are dressed like you are doing well financially, you probably don't need a raise and probably will not get one.
Thank you for your loyalty to our business. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions,
comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere.
Your happy employer